• jillysmental

p e r f e c t l y | m e n t a l

Updated: Jan 3

We all have our moments, don’t we?


Deep inside wondering... Is this what “going mental” feels like?


I have gone about my new and undoubtedly not normal daily routine with a consistent, looming {albeit necessary} amount of denial. Feeling the tension on the botched stitches that are barely holding me together. Sewn with the thinnest thread yet sometimes sewn tight enough that I forget, even if for a fleeting moment, that they exist, that they haven’t gone away, that I’m still in pain, that this isn’t a nightmare, and that I won’t wake up and magically return to Spring Break of 2020.


My stitches are hidden in plain sight and not quickly revealed to others. I fear placing a burden on loved ones or friends, and my disdain toward seeming “weak” might be my greatest weakness.


These “invisible” stitches buried deep in my soul don’t cause less pain because they can’t be seen. Actually, they hurt more than any physical pain I’ve ever endured. Physical pain has a limit usually, and I’ve always considered myself to be pretty tough. Even as a little girl, with four big brothers, I felt the need to compete, regardless of how many times I would fail. At times, physical pain was an afterthought, a “trophy” even, to prove how tough I was.


Invisible pain, though, doesn’t fade or go away.

There are no funny stories later after the tears have dried.


“You should have seen it when you were in the air, though!”


No.


Nothing like that. Instead, there is an emptiness. A hole that, while it seems like a complete abyss, has, at times, been full. Though, that slow leak never ceases to release, allowing in pain, which then seems to increase. Self-doubt, past hurts, the fear of feeling that feeling. The fear of not being enough, the fear of not knowing where you are going or why.

The uncertainty. It creeps back in.


I’ve started this blog with a purpose in mind. Partly for myself, to force me to be vulnerable and speak out about experiences in my lifetime dealing with mental health disorders that can help other individuals know that they are not alone. I will be posting facts but also personal topics and experiences, which may be the most challenging part for me, and while this is my first post and my site is clearly in its infancy, I do feel and hope in the depths of my soul that in speaking out I can help you. Yes, you! Reading this right now. You are not alone. It’s okay not to be okay. Those feelings you feel- they’re VALID, those struggles you face- they’re NORMAL. Also, guess what? Y O U. M A T T E R.


Diagnoses in mental health can be hard and worse, even difficult to understand. No matter the disorder or what it states in your chart at a doctor’s office, you are beautifully and uniquely you and perfect just. the. way. you. are.


I am so happy you are here joining me in being yourself because nothing more is expected of you than that. Please explore being you -with me- while I try on this “vulnerability” hat and surrender myself to being nothing more than who I truly am.


I am happy and content with being wholly, completely, totally, and undeniably

just the way I’m meant to be

(even if it is vulnerably)

Because wow, this is so new to me

-but I am proud to be-


p e r f e c t l y | m e n t a l


Stay Tuned,


~ Jilly

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